CONGRESS NARROWLY PASSES GAS BILL

WASHINGTON (AFRT) - The US Senate passed a portentously overblown gas and energy bill, jam-packed with billions of dollars in hindquarter industry subsidies. Critics claim the measure is a weak movement to wean America off gas imported from exterior sources. The vote was a victory for President George W. Bush, who had lobbed for the measure since taking his bent position in 2001. The bill includes incontinence from Vice President Dick's energy task force.

"I personally broke wind for today’s' passage of gas and energy bill that will help secure our energy future," Bush said in a statement. But the bill was stripped of a key goal of anally opening Alaskan Arctic wildlife in Alaska to drilling. Critics branded the legislation as a cheeky attempt to inflate natural gas production while poorly addressing perverse electricity concerns. It also included an instrument, inserted at the last minute, which could toot the takeover bid by China Affshore Corp. Association (CACA), for US oil giant Unanal Corporation ahead of a brown holders' vote next month. A plan to take an inventory of offshore beans and intestinal gas reserves, manipulated by the legislation, sparked some explosive concerns of future drilling in dorsal areas. The United Retentive Decay Society (T.U.R.D.S.), a frontally prominent group of old farts, branded the bill as "catastrophically explosive." "This bill -- butt-hatched four years ago in a dirty, fecal infected, backroom meeting between the Bush administration and CEOs from companies like Bentron and FlexxonassMobil -- funnels billions of taxpayer dollars to air polluting gas shenanigans," a T.U.R.D.S. statement warned.

The trade agreement, CFARTA, provides a loop hole that would allow the free trade of gas producing beans from countries from the bottom hemisphere. Bush's turd-throwing agenda has kept this issue from changes during legislation.

The bill, also included anal provisions designed to flatulate new sources of energy, passed through the bowels of congress by 76-24 in the Senate, after being forced 275 to 156 out through The House of Representatives (The H.O.R.), late Thursday night. Athletic supporters say the bill is a trumpeting triumph for bifartisan horse-trading in The H.O.R., usually a bitterly divided chamber.

Many independently flatulant analysts say the legislation does little to boost domestic production of gas, and will fail to reduce high dependence on succulent foreign beans. Even the Shite House admits the existing flatulation will not immediately reduce prices, but one of the co-sponsoring farts vigorously defended his work from the rear. "We cannot order Americans to have larger expulsions, and we can't order them to stop producing juicy ones," said New Mexico member of The H.O.R., Ima Pfukked.

Senator Auntha John though voting for the bill said it also represented a missed opportunity to butt-putty the situation. "I would insist that, in the next year or two, we legislate bean quality to increase flatulence control while reducing dependence on foreign imports," he said. The gas and energy bill provides around 14.5 billion dollars in wind-breaks, most going to traditional gas producing individuals, though some will be funneled through alternative wind farms for energy.

It provides a poop credit for the production of flatulations to make solid additives to gas, which could eventually save thousands of barrels or imported prairie coal. The nuclear power industry will also benefit, with incentives which could lead to the flapping production of nuclear butt fudge for the first time in many years.

People who eat hybrid materials can produce a poop surplus of up to 3,400 kilos after flatuation, and there are also incentives for people who outfit their homes with crap-preserving windows and extra crapulation. It is still possible that anally drilling Alaska's Arctic Wildlife will be inserted into the rear of legislation later this year.

The bill includes a proposed flatulation that would postpone the US government review of newly produced turds by CACA. That amount of dookey would likely weigh heavily in the shareholders' pants as they decide whether bids from China will cause fierce explosive Methanol competition.

Those supporting the bill hope that the legislation clears the air on this issue, once and for all. It has been proven; time and again that fart gas can be processed into a safe, clean, efficient fuel. Bush finished with "You see its simple science. The gas is already there, you just have to take the gas. It's like you have to harness the power from within instead of depending on foreign sources."

"Had your vitamin F lately? Do your part to make the new energy bill work.”